Taters
by Bluespruce
Summary: It's another night in Ithilien, and Gollum is bored...


_Co-authored by Ithlien Archer… during Biology class. (Duh! Potatoes and Bio class are best friends!)_

_Inspired by this video…Link... _.com/flash/taters

_Disclaimer: WHAT are you talking about? Of course we own LOTR!_

_Ahhhh…we wish._

_We don't own PopTarts either, although Bluespruce is devouring one right now. It's Chocolate Fudge._

**Taters**

The moon shone brightly over Ithilien, while under the shadow of a tree, two small Hobbits slept. Snoring loudly, they were completely oblivious to the shadow creeping around the campsite.

Gollum did not like the unnatural brightness. It hurt his eyes, and made it impossible to sleep. So what could he do now? Gollum decided to creep around some more, maybe give the two Hobbits a little scare. But wait… what was that? A backpack!

He had always wanted to search through the oh-so mysterious backpack. Unfortunately, it was guarded by the Fat One around the clock. At the moment, Sam was out of it completely, leaving the backpack unguarded. He crawled forward on all fours, inching closer to the silent and unmoving object. Reaching out with one pale, gnarled hand, he touched the rough fabric and slowly lifted the flap.

Reaching slowly and cautiously into the depths of the pack, he encountered something… cold. And hard. He grabbed on to the object, trying to pull it out, when it hit another object.

CLANG!

Startled, Gollum jumped back, pulling the bag forward in the process. A series of bangs and clangs ensued as pots and pans and who-knows-what fell over. Gollum was just about to creep forward to investigate when a dark lumpy shape rolled out of the bag.

Down it rolled, into a small patch of moonlight in the dirt. It was pale, like the color of his skin. And it was round and oddly shaped. With a sudden burst of courage, he grabbed the Unidentified Object.

Surprisingly, it did nothing. It wasn't alive, then. But it felt… hairy? Gollum blinked slowly in wonder. What could it be? He held under the moonlight to get a better view, but the silvery light did not reveal anything.

As expected, he started talking to himself. "What could it be, precioussss? What is stupid, nasty hobbit keeping in his bag? We wanders, yesss, we wanders…"

A sudden loud snore cut through the air, breaking Gollum's chain of questions. Gollum nearly dropped the little lump of… something in surprise. "Taters," a voice grumbled softly.

The Fat Hobbit, Gollum thought bitterly. He should just strangle Sam now…

"Taters!" Sam jumped out of his blankets, pointing straight at Gollum. The latter was frozen in place, not daring to breathe. "Boiled please, Gaffer. I don't much like PopTarts…" With a loud thump, he fell back on the ground, snoring.

Gollum remained unmoving for another few long seconds: the sudden out bust from the Fat One had been rather unnerving. Just a tad. Vaguely wondering what PopTarts were, he tossed the Object from hand to hand. But wait, hadn't the Fat Hobbit said something else something about… taters?

Of course! It was a tater! Gollum thought back to that day. Taters…Potatoes… did they taste good? The Fat Hobbit like them he couldn't trust the Fat Hobbit. But just for the sake of taters…potatoes, Gollum thought back farther. The Fat Hobbit had said something else (with uncalled for enthusiasm). Something…

Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!" the Fat One yelled suddenly, causing Gollum to jump in surprise.

Yes! That was it! Why did the Fat One always do that when he had a question? Was he a mind reader? That would ruin his plans! Gollum pushed that disturbing thought aside.

_Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew…_

Boil them… well, he couldn't do that. There was no water, and Gollum didn't like fire. It was nasty, bright, and hurt his skin. Stick 'em in a stew… he thought back to the rabbit stew and immediately discarded that idea. Cooked rabbit- ugh!

There was only one option left.

MASH THEM!

Cackling softly with an evil grin on his face, Gollum took the tater… potato…whatever… and pounded it with one clenched fist. He was surprised when it didn't do anything. The little bloody lump of tater was harder than he believed it to be. Time for Plan B.

Placing the tater under the tree where the hobbits wee, Gollum stepped back to look at it. It was so round, so hard… it wouldn't be for long!

He turned around and shimmied up the tree. There in the topmost branches, he was right above it.

"Mash them, precioussss."

He jumped.

Sam woke up to the sound of sparrows in the trees. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked around the clearing. Nothing seemed out of place except for…wait, what was that on the ground? Sam inched closer. A pile of whitish, lumpy, mushy stuff was sitting in front of him.

"Ugh! Gollum, what's this?" The little stinker was sitting in the middle of the mess, covered in it. "What did you eat?"

Gollum just smiled. "We mashed them, preciousss, yesss. Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew, you said to do that to taters."

Sam stood there, dumbstruck, blinking stupidly and wondering what Middle Earth had come to.

"Oh yessssss, preciousss."


End file.
